Friday, July 29, 2011

On Loving Colin Bateman, One Inch At A Time

How do I love thee / The artist formerly known as Colin Bateman / Let me count the ways … Yup, we’re up to nine reasons and counting, folks, for lo! A new Dan Starkey novel is on the way, said tome bearing not only the understated title NINE INCHES, but also the subtitle, ‘The Butcher, The Barmaid and The Brothers From Hell’. Oh, and an image of a false leg. Or prosthetic limb, if you prefer. Anyway, the blurb elves have been wittering thusly:
Dan Starkey, the ducking and diving hapless investigator, takes centre stage again in this brilliant new novel by the master of comic crime. Radio shock-jock and self-styled people’s champion Jack Caramac is used to courting controversy - but when his four-year-old son is kidnapped for just one hour, and then sent back with a warning note, he knows he may have finally gone too far. Jack has no choice but to turn to Dan Starkey for help. Recently chucked by his long-suffering wife Patricia, Dan has finally given up on journalism and is now providing a boutique, bespoke service for important people with difficult problems. Dan resolves to catch whoever kidnapped Jack’s son - and very soon finds himself in the middle of a violent feud between rival drug gangs, pursued by jealous husbands, unscrupulous property developers and vicious killers as the case spirals ever more out of his control ...
  Yep, it’s Bangor’s answer to … actually, scratch that. There’s no question in the world that might provide a logical, reasonable answer to the lunacy that is a Dan Starkey novel. Are we happy? Well, yes and no. It’s nice to know a Dan Starkey is on the way, but the book doesn’t hit the shelves until mid-October. Boo, etc. Still, NINE INCHES delayed is NINE INCHES increased, as our sainted Great Aunt Petunia always said …

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Declan Burke has published a number of novels, the most recent of which is ABSOLUTE ZERO COOL. As a journalist and critic, he writes and broadcasts on books and film for a variety of media outlets, including the Irish Times, RTE, the Irish Examiner and the Sunday Independent. He has an unfortunate habit of speaking about himself in the third person. All views expressed here are his own and are very likely to be contrary.