Bertie Ahern And The Curious Case Of The Missing Bank Account

Yours truly had a very enjoyable Saturday morning last weekend, largely due to the good folk at Dublin City Libraries, who organised a Readers’ Day for representatives of 130 Book Clubs that centred on crime fiction. Kathy Reichs was the main attraction, and very attractive she was, too, as she answered the questions posed by Myles McWeeney, crime fiction reviewer for the Irish Independent and friend to Irish crime writers. The readers were polite enough to stay in their seats for the subsequent panel, which was hosted by poet Theo Dorgan (we do such things posh in Dublin, see) and featured the ever-radiant Niamh O’Connor, true-crime writer Barry Cummins and your humble host discussing the topic, ‘Crime Writing - Stranger Than Fiction’.
  It was a strange and enervating panel to be on. Niamh has published true-crime books and crime fiction, Barry writes true-crime books (his latest, WITHOUT TRACE, has just been released), and I write crime fiction. Given that Barry’s books deal with missing persons, women for the most part, some of the conversation was poignant at best, and often harrowing. Meanwhile, Niamh was talking about how some of the true crime stories she comes across with her journalist’s hat on would be laughed out of her publisher’s office if she had the temerity to pitch them as fiction. Which got me thinking - out loud, unfortunately - about Bertie Ahern and The Curious Case of the Missing Bank Account.
  There’s been a lot of waffle in Ireland recently, mostly among the literary establishment chatterati, about the absence of the Great Celtic Tiger Novel (I’d humbly suggest that Alan Glynn has already written it, in WINTERLAND, but that’s a conversation for another day). Anyhoo, the point I made was that the Great Celtic Tiger Novel, if it is yet to come, will almost certainly be a crime novel. How could it be otherwise when an entire nation was scammed out of its children’s and grandchildren’s future by an elite Golden Circle of thieves, chancers, bluffers, rip-off merchants and corrupt politicians, the entire process overseen by Chief Chancer and Greatest Living Irish Wastrel, Bertie Ahern, aka the Indian in the Cupboard, who, as leader of the country, and former Minister for Finance, and a qualified accountant, managed to negotiate his entire adult life and professional career without ever feeling the need to open a single bank account.
  Now, the mystery is not where the money went, or where those betting slips Bertie claimed to have won all that cash on went to (betting slips!), but what to do with the raw material. In other words, is the story of BERTIE AHERN AND THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING BANK ACCOUNT a tragedy or a farce? Is it crime fiction or comedy? Not that I want to be flippant about it, because the stringent cut-backs in front-line services means that old and sick people will die sooner than they might have due to Bertie Ahern’s wilful spend-spend-spend philosophy when he was in power; some people will die young for the want of emergency services who might well have lived long and fruitful lives; and then there’s the silent epidemic of suicide sweeping Ireland at the moment, as those despairing of their future and convinced of their uselessness finally take the advice Bertie Ahern offered when he was being warned of the dangers of overheating a property bubble, and have gone off, as Bertie suggested, and killed themselves.
  It so happens, by the way, that Bertie Ahern, aka The Indian in the Cupboard, is contemplating running for the presidency next year. If I had my way, he’d be running for his life at the head of a pike-wielding mob, or at the very least on the run from the long arm of the law, on a trumped-up charge of economic treason. But that’s just me.
  Anyway, folks, let me know what you think: should BERTIE AHERN AND THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING BANK ACCOUNT be a crime fiction novel or a comi-tragic farce? Hardboiled noir or fantasy-speculative fiction? Hell, maybe we could turn it into a musical. Over to you …

Funky Friday’s Freaky-Deak

Quoth the Grand Vizier: It’s been a funny old week for ‘Project Grand Vizier’, people. The biggest news came from Hollywood, where the team of monkey-elves that go under the collective name ‘Gavin Burke’ had a movie script under consideration with a rather interesting producer, said script being an adaptation of THE BIG O, yours truly’s humble offering. Now, the producers said “No thanks,” and for reasons far too depressing to get into here. Nonetheless, the GV is quietly pleased that the book – published, lest we forget, on a budget of two elastic bands and a bent paper-clip – has penetrated so far so quickly, and particularly as it won’t even be published in the U.S. for another five months.
  Besides, as Mrs Vizier said after we heard the news, this is probably the best time to hear it, what with Baby Vizier still on course for his or her arrival on Friday 14. Like, who could really give a rat’s fundament about a movie with a Baby Vizier in the offing? An empire waits with bated breath, after all.
  In other THE BIG O-related news, we’ve seen some proposed covers for the U.S. release, and they’re hotter’n the barrel of a two-dollar gun. Meanwhile, Spinetingler Magazine has generously offered to host an excerpt from the novel in the near future, for which we are fawningly grateful.
  In blog-related matters, Crime Always Pays lost out in last week’s Irish Blog Awards to The Voyage in the ‘Best Specialist Blog’, and deservedly so. Sail on, you crazy diamonds. The Grand Vizier attended the awards ceremony with The Panjandrum, aka Chico ‘Chicovich’ Morientes, who was diplomacy personified in his role as Minister for Foreign Affairs & Bi-Lingual Trysts. An abstemious and polite night’s entertainment followed, although the Grand Vizier, who was incognito, was unfortunately set upon by an entire troupe of booze monkeys (headiccus rex) at the end of the evening, which precipitated a lemming-like plummet into rí rá agus ruile buile. Still, it can’t be Mills & Boon every night, right?
  On the books front, Cora Harrison’s MICHAELMAS TRIBUTE arrived this week, the novel being the sequel to MY LADY JUDGE, which was the first in a proposed series about the Brehon judge, Mara. Quoth the blurb elves:

Mara, Brehon of the Burren returns in another wonderful historical tale of murder and intrigue. The Michaelmas Fair is a time for the people of the Burren to gather together, buy and sell their wares, and give tribute to the lord of their clans. This year there’s an undercurrent of anger –the new lord of the MacNamara clan has raised the tribute and his greedy steward, Ragnall MacNamara, is not making himself a popular man. When his body is found in the churchyard, Mara has is called to investigate. Was it revenge, greed or something more sinister? Then another body is discovered, apparently a suicide. But Mara is not convinced and it’s up to her, as the judge and lawgiver, to uncover who the killer is before they strike again ...

MICHAELMAS TRIBUTE is published by Macmillan on May 2nd. As soon as we know more, you’ll be the first to hear.
  Meanwhile, on our travels around the blogosphere, we came across this interesting post at Even A Pencil Has Fear To. After being very complimentary indeed about Tana French’s IN THE WOODS, the postee considers its general reception, to wit:

“To my great surprise, most people found the novel good, but found the ending quite unsatisfying. After thinking about their comments, I decided this feeling of disappointment, of having untied threads, was largely due to the fact the novel was frequently presented as a mystery. Naturally, one of the main conventions of a mystery is that everything is tied up neatly – essentially, we know ‘who done it.’ My copy of the novel, checked out from my local library, was located in the mystery section; it even had a special mystery sticker on it. Yet, the cover jacket clearly denotes the book as a novel, which carries a different set of expectations for the reader.”

Really? What different expectations might they be? That most of the various threads will go untied?
  Anyhoo, one novel that hasn’t a hope in hell of tying up all its threads is Salman Rushdie’s THE ENCHANTRESS OF FLORENCE, which is fabulous read that blends Marco Polo’s travels, the Arabian Nights and Italo Calvino’s IF ON A WINTER’S NIGHT A TRAVELLER and / or INVISIBLE CITIES. If there is a better novel published this year, the Grand Vizier will eat his turban.
  Finally, those of you who will be in Dublin tomorrow (Sunday, March 8th) and want to know how Dublin’s mean streets got so blummin’ mean, there’s a discussion on true Irish crime writing at the Rotunda as part of the Dublin Book Festival that features crime reporters-cum-authors Barry Cummins, Niamh O’Connor, Paul Williams and Eamon Dillon. Beautiful people one and all, just trying to make sense of a crazy, mixed-up world …

Funky Friday’s Freaky Deak

It’s Friday, we’re feeling freaky, to wit: Adrian McKinty’s THE BLOOMSDAY DEAD has won the AudioFile Earphones Award. Quoth AudioFile: “A near-perfect marriage of fiction and performance, THE BLOOMSDAY DEAD is a must-listen … Forsythe is portrayed by Doyle in an intimate virtuoso performance that intensifies the taut, gritty writing. Every nuance of the protagonist’s soul lives in the read … There is never a lack of distinct personality in this soaring, tragic story.” Which is nice … Catherine O’Flynn talks chocolate and overnight success in a very sweet interview with Jason Steger at The Age … Both Siobhan Dowd and Derek Landy, for THE LONDON EYE MYSTERY and SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT, respectively, have been short-listed for the Red House Children’s Books awards … Glenn Meade conducts a thriller writing workshop at the 38th Listowel Writers’ Week, which runs from May 28 – June 1. Glenn’s workshops are always popular, so book early and often … Meanwhile, the Dublin Book Festival, which runs from March 7 – 9, will have a discussion on crime and how it’s represented in various media, with Barry Cummins, Niamh O’Connor, Paul Williams and Eamon Dillon contributing. The event takes place on Sunday, March 9, at 4pm at Dublin’s City Hall, and entry is free … The latest Carnival of Crime is currently taking place over at the essential Crime Spot, and your host is Graham Powell. Drop on over and tell him Crime Always Pays sent ya … Finally, the Denver Post is hosting the first chapter of John Connolly’s THE UNQUIET. And, leaving aside the quality of his work for a moment, if anyone is still wondering why Connolly is such a popular writer, check out the video below, in which Connolly works the crowd at Dublin’s Google offices in one of the Authors@Google series. Roll it there, Collette …